Let’s catch up.

So, my last entry was a LONG time ago. And I’ve not had the time or energy to really want to sit down and write about anything, really. But I decided that my story (stories) are still worth telling and that maybe, they still might benefit someone – even if it’s just to provide a chuckle, or a moment of pause. So, let’s catch up!

I know I said this wasn’t going to be a pregnancy blog – and it still isn’t – no gory details, and no rummaging back through the past, but in order to really catch you up – I had a miscarraige (Love and Loss) at what should’ve been around 13 weeks pregnant – back in July of 2014. It was awful and we are still to this day coping with that loss. But we moved forward and kept trying to have another child. Fast forward to mid January 2015. I woke up one Saturday morning, in excruciating pain. I was doubled over, with cramping and stuff and seriously considered calling my husband to drive me to the ER. But the pain kind of came and went and I took some tylenol and headed out to show some houses to a prospective buyer. I still hurt but it wasn’t killing me. Long story short, I finally went to the doctor and turns out I was having another miscarraige. I was pretty much pissed… mainly because I hadn’t even known I was pregnant yet and thought it was stupid to even find out about it because what’s the point even?! But I was also relieved that it happened that way too. Because at least we hadn’t had time to get excited or get our hopes up about the future and everything. This was the week before our Anniversary trip that we had already planned and booked. So we went, and it was still great, but with a sort of sad little rain cloud hovering over us the whole time that we tried to ignore.

By early April, I thought I was pregnant again and took a couple of tests (bear in mind that my doctor had recommended after the first miscarraige that I get BACK ON birth control and wait a whole year before trying to get pregnant again, because the risk of future miscarraige, etc. etc. blah blah) and the pregancy tests were all negative. But I knew. I could feel it in my heart. And sure enough around early May, the test was positive! Cue the panic and fear and zillion what-if’s. But also the excitement and hope and faith that this would work out. We were all on pins and needles waiting for the 13 week mark to come and go. I know they say not to do this, but I kept taking the pregnancy test that measures hormone levels up to what should be 12 weeks thinking that if my levels were holding steady it might mean everything was okay. And they kept showing the 12 week levels. So I did find some comfort in that and it gave me a tiny bit of relief that things were still okay. Finally we went for the sonogram and there, in black and white, was a tiny white light flashing and the sweet pitter-pattering of a healthy little heart. Tears of joy and relief were finally in order! From there, the pregnancy progressed and all was well, other than some minor (depending on who you ask) health issues with me during the pregnancy, and my 13 year old breaking his leg in football and having to have two surgeries. The doctors decided to induce me on the 25th of November and after two days of craziness and still no baby, I went in for a c-section and came out with a healthy, perfect, 7 lb, 11 oz, 19 inch baby girl. It was spectacular to say the least. So now, here we are with the baby we prayed for and it’s definitely been a whirlwind of a ride. Mommy, daddy, brother and little sister. We couldn’t begin to ask for anything more wonderful. Thank you Jesus, for answered prayers.

Kaden&McKinley-Birth

Kaden&McKinley

Kaden&McKinley-Christmas

Kaden&McKinley-Trampoline

Kaden&McKinley-Chair

McKinley-3months

McKinley-Blue

Love and Loss

My last post was almost a month ago… Yet it seems like ages away. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for just over a year when we got the news that we were expecting. When I first read the little lines on the test, and the other five tests I took in the next 24 hours… I was terrified. It wasn’t pure fear, but rather fear mixed with excitement at the notion of a baby, joy in realizing our hopes and prayers were answered, relief that we could actually concieve, and the scary realization that in several months I would be in a labor and delivery room. We’re having a baby!

Having a baby isn’t all roses and candy. It’s scary stuff! And knowing what was coming, scared me. I’m not a spring chicken anymore. Layers of “fluff” now appear where I used to have muscle, stretch marks already line my soft belly, and evidence of too much junk food is obvious. I immediately regretted not starting that pre-pregnancy diet I had intended to start. But I was glad that I had found an explanation for why I had been feeling so exhausted and hungry lately. I was pregnant! We were having a baby!!

The next few weeks flew by and we celebrated with family and praised God for the gift of life and wondered and imagined about all the things this new baby would bring to our little world. My son was cautiously joyful at the thought of being a big brother. My husband was elated at being a new daddy to his first baby-baby. And everything was wonderful.

Until we went for our sonogram last Monday.  The appointment took twice as long as it should have. We were left in the sonogram room for about 45 minutes after the first attempt at finding a heartbeat and being told they needed to speak with the doctor. Then when the doctor, and another doctor, and two nurses came back in, they searched my womb while talking among themselves, not trying to explain what was happening. It was awful. After several minutes I asked point blank what was going on. The head doctor finally addressed me and explained that they were unable to find a heartbeat. He went on to say that either I was not nearly as far along as they had thought initially, or that the baby had stopped developing at some point and that “it just wasn’t a viable fetus”. Those are hard words to process. Viable fetus. It was our baby. Our love and pride and hopes and future. How did this happen? What was going on? How did we arrive at this place? In an hours time we had gone from giggling in the waiting room, wondering what our little baby would look like to… this? No clear answer, no guidance, just a million questions.

We left the facility in complete shock and confusion and despair. I cried, my husband consoled. I ran through the scenario a million times in my head on the way home, trying to figure out what was really happening. I contacted my local doctor and was advised that they needed to do some hormone tests to find out where we were with the pregnancy.  After the first round, they told me I was in the range of 0 to 6 weeks pregnancy hormone levels, which is about 4 to 6 weeks less than where they thought I was. They told me the next round would tell us whether the pregnancy was still progressing and I just wasn’t as far along as they initially calculated, or if the pregnancy was failing. We were given hope. A glimmer of salvation from the worst case scenario. And we waited.

Friday, I called the doctors office several times with no answer,  or was told they would call back. Finally, around 4:00 the nurse called and said they had my results but couldn’t read them to me without the doctor having signed off on them first, and he’d left for the day already. It would be Monday before we got any news. That would’ve been today. Friday night, the cramping and spotting began. I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t what I was afraid it was. But by Saturday afternoon the pain was so much worse.

The only way to describe it was labor pain. It radiated and worsened and then would let up for a minute or so and then come again. The rest, you can imagine. It was soul crushing. I felt exhausted, cheated, and robbed, desperate for answers. Empty. I cried and cried. Then finally I slept. When I woke up,  there was a void where there had been joy. But it was over. And I was thankful for that at least.

We know that there are things in this world that we will never fully understand, and we know all things happen for a reason. God is in control of this situation and I trust fully in His wisdom and in His timing and plans for us. We will keep our heads above water by looking to Him and by petition and prayer, with Thanksgiving we will continue to make our hearts desires known to Him. Since sharing my story over the past week with other women, I have heard so many stories similar to my own and just last night I was comforted in a dream about our baby that now resides with the Lord in Heaven, patiently waiting for our reunion. God places people in our lives at just the right times and it is helpful to know that we are not alone in this pain and loss. I am grateful that the miscarraige happened so early in the pregnancy,  because I know it could have been so much worse. I can’t imagine the pain and loss of a stillbirth or late term miscarraige.  But I’m certain that it has to be nearly unbearable. I am so blessed to have an amazing family and friends,  a support group that is pulling me through this. And especially for a wonderful husband that loves and comforts me as much as I need. I hope my story will help another family someday and that to them also, God will bring a sense of peace and calm that I am experiencing as the days pass. Because really and truly, God is good. All the time.