kids

Love and Loss

/ Kelly / Leave a comment

My last post was almost a month ago… Yet it seems like ages away. My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for just over a year when we got the news that we were expecting. When I first read the little lines on the test, and the other five tests I took in the next 24 hours… I was terrified. It wasn’t pure fear, but rather fear mixed with excitement at the notion of a baby, joy in realizing our hopes and prayers were answered, relief that we could actually concieve, and the scary realization that in several months I would be in a labor and delivery room. We’re having a baby!

Having a baby isn’t all roses and candy. It’s scary stuff! And knowing what was coming, scared me. I’m not a spring chicken anymore. Layers of “fluff” now appear where I used to have muscle, stretch marks already line my soft belly, and evidence of too much junk food is obvious. I immediately regretted not starting that pre-pregnancy diet I had intended to start. But I was glad that I had found an explanation for why I had been feeling so exhausted and hungry lately. I was pregnant! We were having a baby!!

The next few weeks flew by and we celebrated with family and praised God for the gift of life and wondered and imagined about all the things this new baby would bring to our little world. My son was cautiously joyful at the thought of being a big brother. My husband was elated at being a new daddy to his first baby-baby. And everything was wonderful.

Until we went for our sonogram last Monday.  The appointment took twice as long as it should have. We were left in the sonogram room for about 45 minutes after the first attempt at finding a heartbeat and being told they needed to speak with the doctor. Then when the doctor, and another doctor, and two nurses came back in, they searched my womb while talking among themselves, not trying to explain what was happening. It was awful. After several minutes I asked point blank what was going on. The head doctor finally addressed me and explained that they were unable to find a heartbeat. He went on to say that either I was not nearly as far along as they had thought initially, or that the baby had stopped developing at some point and that “it just wasn’t a viable fetus”. Those are hard words to process. Viable fetus. It was our baby. Our love and pride and hopes and future. How did this happen? What was going on? How did we arrive at this place? In an hours time we had gone from giggling in the waiting room, wondering what our little baby would look like to… this? No clear answer, no guidance, just a million questions.

We left the facility in complete shock and confusion and despair. I cried, my husband consoled. I ran through the scenario a million times in my head on the way home, trying to figure out what was really happening. I contacted my local doctor and was advised that they needed to do some hormone tests to find out where we were with the pregnancy.  After the first round, they told me I was in the range of 0 to 6 weeks pregnancy hormone levels, which is about 4 to 6 weeks less than where they thought I was. They told me the next round would tell us whether the pregnancy was still progressing and I just wasn’t as far along as they initially calculated, or if the pregnancy was failing. We were given hope. A glimmer of salvation from the worst case scenario. And we waited.

Friday, I called the doctors office several times with no answer,  or was told they would call back. Finally, around 4:00 the nurse called and said they had my results but couldn’t read them to me without the doctor having signed off on them first, and he’d left for the day already. It would be Monday before we got any news. That would’ve been today. Friday night, the cramping and spotting began. I tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t what I was afraid it was. But by Saturday afternoon the pain was so much worse.

The only way to describe it was labor pain. It radiated and worsened and then would let up for a minute or so and then come again. The rest, you can imagine. It was soul crushing. I felt exhausted, cheated, and robbed, desperate for answers. Empty. I cried and cried. Then finally I slept. When I woke up,  there was a void where there had been joy. But it was over. And I was thankful for that at least.

We know that there are things in this world that we will never fully understand, and we know all things happen for a reason. God is in control of this situation and I trust fully in His wisdom and in His timing and plans for us. We will keep our heads above water by looking to Him and by petition and prayer, with Thanksgiving we will continue to make our hearts desires known to Him. Since sharing my story over the past week with other women, I have heard so many stories similar to my own and just last night I was comforted in a dream about our baby that now resides with the Lord in Heaven, patiently waiting for our reunion. God places people in our lives at just the right times and it is helpful to know that we are not alone in this pain and loss. I am grateful that the miscarraige happened so early in the pregnancy,  because I know it could have been so much worse. I can’t imagine the pain and loss of a stillbirth or late term miscarraige.  But I’m certain that it has to be nearly unbearable. I am so blessed to have an amazing family and friends,  a support group that is pulling me through this. And especially for a wonderful husband that loves and comforts me as much as I need. I hope my story will help another family someday and that to them also, God will bring a sense of peace and calm that I am experiencing as the days pass. Because really and truly, God is good. All the time.

Some people are sad.

/ Kelly / Leave a comment

So I have had some recent drama-ish situations lately. Mostly having to do with family and personal issues. And it makes me sad. And upset. And angry even. But mostly sad. Because people act like they don’t know they are being selfish or uncaring or two-faced or just plain mean. And that is sad. Those people are SAD. I will tell you about them now. Not to continue the drama, but in the hopes that one of two things will happen: (1.) If you are one of these people, maybe you will learn to see things from another point of view. (2.) If you’re dealing with one of these people, maybe you will get some relief in knowing you are not alone.

Issue #1: Drama Mama. And the resulting rediculousness.
My son has been playing baseball for the past 8 years. T-ball, little league, minor league and now majors. We’ve dealt with crummy coaches, horrible parents, bullying, shut-outs, you name it. He loves baseball. Most of the time. He has his moments of laziness and frustration but for the most part he really enjoys it.
Well, this year he ended up on a team made up almost solely of kids from a rival school. And it was difficult, to say the least. He literally had one real friend on the team – a home schooled kid that he’d played for several years with. Of course, my kid sat the bench most games because he wasn’t one of the coaches “boys”. Which is another issue, completely. But it did wear on me that he wasn’t even given a fair shake. The biggest issue was with the bullying and trash talking. And worse,  the lack of anything being said or done about it by  the coaches. It was bad.
To make matters worse, the middle of the season, his coach pits him against his one friend on the team and made some poor decisions that ended up causing a rift between the two. The other kids mom ended up calling me and telling me the kid was quitting the team. She went on to say how she felt the whole situation was wrong and we needed to take a stand for our kids and not let them be treated so poorly. She practically begged us to join them in standing up for what was right. And we were on board, because if we weren’t then my kid would’ve been all by himself against a team of bullies. So my kid decided to quit the team too,  with some encouragement from myself. So we just called it a loss. We’d try again next season. The End.
Except that it wasnt. A few days later I get a message from another parent who knew what had happened, asking if my kid had went back to the team. Of course, he hadn’t. But someone had. Hmmm. I thought surely that was a mistake, so I asked the other parent about her kid. She beat around the bush and then finally admitted that he had gone back to playing. Now, understand me, it was her pleas that got us to quit. And her endless phone calls and texts a few days before that convinced me that we were doing the right thing. So, what happened?  I felt betrayed. Short-changed. Used. Manipulated. Lied to. She asked us to take a stand and then she backs down without even so much as a phone call? I heard it from some other parent with a  kid on a different team. Who does that? So now my kid is off the team,  and her kid is playing again. Really!? That night when I told my kid that his buddy had gone back to the team he said, “Oh really? That’s funny. Wasn’t his mom the one blowing your phone up about how WE had to stand our ground and that kids can’t be jerked around like that?” I’m so glad he can read between the lines like his momma. Apple & Tree. And as for that other mom… sad. Sad that she was so easily swayed and unable to stand firm in her convictions as a parent, and sad that she doesn’t even realize the impact of her actions.

Issue #2: Faux Family Friend. And why I’m completely over it. 
So I had lunch with a friend today, and she proceeded to tell me all about a guy that is supposed to be my dad’s friend. My dad got hurt at work a few months ago and has been working at getting his health issues sorted out.  Anyway, this guy goes to great lengths to come by and check on my dad, to call and check on him, encourage him, etc. Once upon a time he was my brothers very best friend. He worked for my dad for several years. He worked with my dad for several months before my dad’s injury. He is supposed to be a friend.
Well, at lunch today, there was a completely different story. I learned a long time ago not to put too much weight or faith in this guy. And I heard again about how he talks about my family, including my dad and his injuries,  behind our backs. It was sickening. And to make matters worse, he only spreads his drama and lies to the people who will listen and who want to hear it. Which says something pretty specific about his audience. It’s like a negativity-mill. He churns out whatever it is that everybody wants to hear. Each group of people get a different spin and a tailor-made yarn. He’s like the male version of an attention seeking drama queen.
I’ve tried to talk to my family about what a snake in the grass he really is, and I hope they realize it sooner than later. But it’s hard to believe something bad about somebody that you’ve put your trust into. Like I told my mom today, I would love to just rip him a new one and tell him exactly what I think of him and call him out on his lies and two-faced antics. But I have learned that it’s not my place, nor my responsibility to confront someone about their actions. Because God takes care of all that for you. He rights the wrongs and redeems the opressed. And it’s only a matter of time. So I’m letting it go. Don’t get me wrong, if I run into him, he’s liable to get way more than he bargained for, because I don’t have it in me to just pretend like I don’t know what’s really going on. But I refuse to seek him out just to speak my mind. Because that would require me expending my time and energy on him. And he’s worth neither. He’s just sad.

20 Things I Know To Be True

/ Kelly / Leave a comment

1. People treat you exactly how you let them.
2. A child will always say the thing out loud that you really hope they won’t.
3. Dog hair gets a little easier to live with once you become a dog person.
4. Being in love takes two people.
5. Good people do stupid things too.
6. Sometimes cats run away and never come back.
7. It really does take a village to raise a kid.
8. Money is not the solution to all your problems.
9. When you think nobody is looking and you do a good deed, someone always sees it.
10. Elderly people are one of the biggest treasures in this life.
11. Hurting others won’t make you feel better in the long run.
12. Marriage isn’t always forever, but it should be.
13. Animals are usually very good judges of a persons character.
14. Laughter can’t heal a broken heart, but it helps.
15. True friends are few and far between.
16. A tiny hand clasped around your finger can bring down all of your walls.
17. A good husband is worth more than all the gold in California.
18. The simplest act of kindness can have a profound effect on someone.
19. Fairy tales sometimes come true when you least expect them to.
20. God loves me, even when I am unloveable.

Trampoline Justice

/ Kelly / Leave a comment

Growing up there was a girl in my grade that lived up the street from us who had the same first name as me. Early on we had come to the conclusion that we were destined to be friends due to the fact that we shared a name. Anyway, she and I both had big brothers that were around the same age. And they were problems for us. Always picking and teasing and taunting. They were not cool. At all.

One time, me and my friend were waiting our turn to jump on our trampoline. We were waiting because our older brothers were already on the trampoline. That in itself wasn’t the real problem. The problem was that our older brothers were much bigger than we were and we couldn’t get on while they were up there. Not like we had some rule that we couldn’t get on while they were on it. Like we actually could not get on. They were mean and selfish. And big. Really big. Way bigger than us. We would attempt to climb on. And they would jump really close to the edge and push us back down. We would cry and scream and kick and swat at them. No good. It was hopeless. We told my parents they wouldn’t let us have a turn, and mom did the old standard “holler from the kitchen window” routine. Which is totally ineffective, by the way. So we waited for almost an hour, literally. And in kid time, it may as well have been three days. We were DYING to jump.

Then, out of nowhere, there was a loud thud and popping noises. We watched in complete horror as the trampoline bottomed out and springs went everywhere. It was epic. And infuriating. Needless to say, they were in big trouble. But being in trouble and getting punished don’t always go hand in hand. Apparently, bottoming out on a trampoline from mid-air hurts. We wouldn’t know because we didn’t get to experience that. But they were pretty sore. And that was justice enough for us.

Kids mouth = No filter.

/ Kelly / Leave a comment

So the other day, we were at a basketball game and my son’s team was getting the crud kicked out of them by another team with this one kid that was about a whole 7 inches taller than any of the other kids. He was good. But the team he was on was piling up the fouls faster than you could count them. Our kids didn’t really have a chance. The game was good and our kids held their own as much as they could until the final buzzer. It was such a fast paced game that I didn’t even keep up with the score. I was just glad it was over.

So we walk across the court to where the team is waiting – since the bleachers are on one side and the kids and coaches are on the other side of the gym. The coach is telling the kids how proud she was that they played a clean game and that even though they lost on the scoreboard, they were still winners. Great talk, coach. Anyway, after her little post-pep talk she looked at me and said that she needed to talk to me. Immediately I started running through all the possible things that my kid might have said/done to cause this special “talk” time. And as a parent, you can always tell when your kids have gotten you into this kind of predicament. It’s usually a combination of embarrassment, frustration and completely being over it all at the same time. With my kid, these talks seem to be pretty regular, since he says things that he has given absolutely NO thought at all to.

I mosey over to the side with the coach and she tells me that my son had said something that really upset her and that she felt like she had to confront me with it. (Oh no. Here it comes. I can only imagine at this point what he might have said. But nothing that I was imagining even came close to the level of stupidity of what she was about to tell me.)

COACH: He told me that his whole family is racist…….. ((Uhhhhh, come again??!) and this is his coach who has three mixed race children. Great.)

ME: …….crickets……(Standing there with my eyes popping out and my jaw on the floor, hoping she’s about to tell me that she’s just kidding and that my son is really a great kid.)

COACH: Yeah, when so and so (the tall, exceptionally athletic black kid) fouled so and so, he said “See, that’s why my family is all racist.” (At this point I am beyond embarrassed. And pissed. If there had been a hole, I totally would have crawled into it and died.)

ME: Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry. I don’t know why he would have said that, but I will definitely have a talk with him. (By this time my son has come over to see what was going on. So I tried to communicate my dissatisfaction by glaring at him in that “you are totally about to get it” kind of way that mothers learn to perfect as their children get older.)

She accepted my apology and we said goodbye and headed out to our vehicles. My husband had overheard the conversation and my son knew he was in deep doo-doo. So as soon as we are safely inside the vehicle away from prying ears, I lay into him with all the “What the heck is wrong with you?!””Are you frigging kidding me?!”, “That was one of the dumbest things you have ever said!”, and “If you are going to say something that stupid, don’t drag the whole family into it!” and all other parenting “advice” that I can muster. (See, this is exactly why some species eat their young.) Once he realized what the word RACIST meant, he was completely embarrassed. And remorseful. Apparently he thought it meant that you only like “certain people of other races”. Not exactly. I told him how hurtful what he had said was to everyone and reminded him of how many friends – and family members – we have of other races and that that kind of thinking is completely out of line. I went on to explain all the awful things that racism causes and how he is never ever EVER to say something that ignorant again. Hopefully that will be the last conversation we ever have to have about the issue. But probably not. He’s a kid. And kids have no filter – even when they don’t know exactly what they’re saying.