Dallas, Texas. Dusk. Traffic. Scary! I’m a little too used to my little small town life. And last night was a perfect example of that fact. My buddy and me were feeling adventurous once we discovered there was a big mall just six miles from the hotel we are staying at for our conference. So we decided to make the journey and revel in all the retail wonder this part of the state had to offer. We plugged in the info on my smartphone and headed out. What we didn’t take into account was the reality that six miles in Dallas is more equivalent to sixty miles when you calculate the traffic lights, crazy construction and DFW Airport into the trip.

We set out using my phones GPS and made it there pretty easy. Shopped till our hearts were content. Walked at least a hundred miles around the place. Sipped on a glass o’ wine at a really cool restaraunt. Then we decided to head back. We hade came, we had conquered. All was well with the universe. Until we got back on the road.

So apparently my phones GPS directions only work one way. Because as we arrived at our destination… We really didn’t. It was like a parking lot beside an empty building. Not our hotel. (You can’t fool me, GPS. I know what my hotel looks like.) So I decide to use the handy dandy onstar button since that’s how we got to the hotel the first time. And they had given us other helpful guidance along the way. But this time, well let’s just say, awkward. Not the best experience. Really, guy? Here’s how it went down:

Man: Welcome to onstar. How can I assist you?

Me: Hi. I’m lost in Dallas. Can you send me directions to blah blah hotel, please?

Man: Sure. Oh, sorry. It appears that you have a subscription for the yay-hoo package and what you need is the whoopity-do package that includes navigation directions…

Me: (still driving, getting more lost by the nano second) Um, ok? Sure lets do that then. Can you give me the directions now?

Man: Well your current package is priced at something dollar amount and the whoopity-do package is something dollar amount more. Is that okay, ma’am?

Me: (now driving away from Dallas as it’s getting darker and more lost-person-never-finding-your-way-back-ish) Yes! That’s fine. And why are you the first person to mention this when I’ve gotten direction three other times today?! We are lost in Dallas! Are we going to get the directions now, please?!!!

Man: I’m really sorry about that. Now I do show that you have an account on file with a routing number that ends with blah blah. Is that the correct billing account?

Me: (Are you freaking kidding me?! Plus I’m in Egypt by this time.) Sure, I have no idea what my routing number is but yes, let’s go with that.

Man: Okay, great. Now what hotel were you looking for?

Me: …name of hotel again…

Man: Hmmm. Can I place you on a brief hold? Thank you.

Me: (mumbled expletives, and disbelief).

Man: Thank you for holding, I’m afraid I can’t find a hotel by that name. Are you looking for a different hotel?

Me: No. It’s the same hotel that y’all gave me directions to earlier in the day.

Man: Oh, here it is. I will send you the instructions now. Thank you for using onstar.

So me and my buddy are God knows where by this time and the directions are sent to my car and they immediately take us into a residential area. Oh heck no. This guy has given us some janky directions and now we are going to be lost forever. We decide to wing it temporarily until we get back on a highway. Finally the stupid thing gets us back to the hotel. It was rediculous and we decided we are just going to stay here forever and never leave again until we head home. Thank you onstar.